To have you call my name, after 2 years of pet names. To have you say goodbye without looking at me, has made me realise one thing, that I can’t always  have control of what I think I do, and when you don’t hang on my words because you think they are not to be trusted cuts like a knife. To have you close up because you’ve been hurt by what i wrote, because I haven’t given you my all, makes me feel like ive lost again. And this time I can’t lose you. I am not going to lose again this time because, I am utterly and  completely in love with you. I can’t go on like this for very long. Its easy to pretend but with you I cannot. Please. I don’t want to lose you. I need you.

‘Let us be us again’- Lonestar

Tell me what I have to do tonight
Cause I’d do anything to make it right
Let’s be us again
Sorry for the way I lost my head
I don’t know why I said the things I said
Let’s be us again
Here I stand,
With everything to lose and all I know is I don’t wanna ever see the end
Baby please I’m reaching out for you
Won’t you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let’s be us again
Look at me, I’m way past pride
Isn’t there some way that we can try to be us again
Even if it takes awhile I’ll wait right here until I see that smile
That says we re us again
And here I stand with everything to lose and all I know is I don’t ever wanna see the end
Baby please I m reaching out for you wont u open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us again
Baby, baby what would I do can’t imagine life without you
Here I stand with everything to loose and all I know is I don’t wanna ever see the end
Baby please I’m reaching out for you wont you open up your heart and let me come back in
Here I am I m reaching out for you so wont u open up your heart and let me come back in
Lets be us again

I’ve been here more than a week, and I have under a week left of my trip. I met an old school friend of mine for lunch today at a cafe across St. Paul’s Cathedral, it was cold, much colder than the past week. As I walked from St. Pauls back to Russell Square, the university of london halls are all there, then walked back to Holborn into a familiar waterstones bookstore where i picked up a few books. Walking through Covent Garden and bypassing the strand always makes for a nice detour and yet another sad reflection that the next time i do this could be… in a very very long time. Then there’s the river. The bridge and the constant cold gusts of wind as i crossed it. I took some time to just take it all in this time. I never ever did this as a student. That strange feeling of elation mixed with utter disgust and regret, the kind that makes you just want to look forward and move on all the time. And then, it started to get even colder. The rhetoric of a person who just wasnt ready to move forward just yet. I wasn’t ready and i felt sad.

I want to do this all over again, I want to do this differently. I want to do this with you. The person who I never knew. The person who was so near yet so far. I want to learn from you I want to start over and erase and rewind everything. But i know i can’t. While i am standing still you’re moving forward. And I know that soon, i’ll be left behind. Anyway..

Tomorrow I will be going to Epsom where i feel just as attached to, there perhaps, because the chapter closed properly… I was able to just walk. 
Lets try again. And try really hard.